Baby face.

Hello dear readers ......

I have been meaning to write this post for days, even a few weeks, but life has just all of a sudden got very very busy ( more explanation later ).
So .....
I really have made no secret in me wanting to have another child, the idea of having a baby with my amazing husband just make my heart literally jump. But the problem of impending old age is becoming part of the equation. Instead of us making the decision to try for a baby when we feel ready, it's now a case of try for a baby now before your body dictates that it's too late.

For a few years after my divorce, and even in the first few months of meeting Mark, I wanted a baby for all the wrong reasons. I wanted a baby to fill a mummy gap, I also wanted a baby to prove to my ex that I could still actually conceive ..... Therefore I was having good, amazing sex, with a man other than him !!!.
I admit that yes, these may have been very selfish thoughts, and I never even took into consideration Marks feeling on the matter.

But something changed as I watched my daughter and Marks relationship blossom, and she began to confide in him, hug him and send Father's Day cards to him. I realised that my husband  ( yes he did seem to want to marry despite my broken - ness )  was the most amazing man, taking on board a very broken me - and my very moody, sometimes mouthy teenage daughter. My reason for wanting a baby changed, because I wanted to see Mark with his baby, watching his baby grow, and seeing the look of absolute amazement and joy when we had a baby together.

So we decided, after a few debates and conversations, mainly about his disability and the fact that it can be inherited, to start trying for a baby.
Not to go into too much detail, but as you may have imagined this was not a task that we loathed or hated !!!!!.
Months have passed, even years have passed, and still we have no baby.
Circumstances over the last few months or so have been exceptionally difficult for both of us to cope with. My neurological stroke back in July has affected us more than we could ever express. Depression has hit us both very hard, and the fact that every month or so I realise again that I am not pregnant, doesn't help matters at all.
Our next step is to go for some fertility tests. Which in a normal couple, this would be stressful enough. But when you put together a neurotic wife, and a husband who has spina bifida, then fertility tests become a somewhat nightmare prospect.
We have openly talked about possible reasons for not getting pregnant, but often avoid the fact that maybe one of us, or even both of us have an issue that is preventing the very wanted baby Rankin to appear in my redundant womb.
The blame game often comes up in conversations, and even though we have promised that this would never ever be an issue for us, it's difficult to predict what might happen when or if we do have those fertility tests.

And so here we are, this is where we are at now. The busy period of buying a house, getting it ok for us to move in , and the preparing of the house that we have rented for four years, is stressful and exciting, but I suppose it's stopped the ' baby ' conversations for a while.
But it Definately hasn't stopped my yearning, my absolute agony sometimes, of wanting to be a mummy to Marks baby.

So for now, I wait patiently ( well on the outside ), tear wallpaper off the Walls in frustration ...... And pray for my cat to be pregnant, in the hope that maybe a little furry kitten will fill in the gap in my heart ....... For now.