I Want Doesn't Always Get

Patience just isn't my strongpoint .....when growing up I always had hobbies that didn't make me wait. I couldn't bear the thought of having to make something that took more than 10 minutes. (You knitters and gardeners out there, I admire your patience ). Having said that, I learned to play a brass instrument from the age of about 6, and in those early days when the practice was hard and the teaching was very boring, I suppose I did have to learn a certain degree of patience.

But on the whole when I was growing up, I was never a fan of waiting, and my Grandma would often have to remind me ..... Patience is a virtue, patience is a grace, if you practice patience, you wear a smiling face. Yes .... I probably was a pretty miserable child because I didn't practice patience very often.

This of course has carried on through to adulthood, waiting still causes me a great deal of stress. I was a complete nightmare when I was pregnant, nine months of torture ( this will be talked about in a later blog ). But even simple tasks like measuring correct ingredients for a cake mixture, then waiting for it to cook are all examples of tests of my patience. I want the cake now.

Yesturday I watched Charlie and the chocolate factory ( the better version of course with the late Gene Wilder in it ), and at one particular part of the film we are introduced to a horrendous child called Veruca Salt.  She sings a song (before her demise down a rotten egg Shute)
about wanting everything ...... NOW !

I would be lying if I told you that none of the words of that song echo true in my life. Although I don't think I have ever wanted a golden goose or ever said .....' Give it to me now '

Often I get myself in a panic because things don't happen straight away, or I am told by a doctor that my temporary paralysis will eventually correct itself, and I will be able to feel my arm and leg again !. Or I am told by a therapist that my depression will eventually pass, that I must try and be patient with myself, that I will feel better. I recall the numerous times that I have told my friends, or colleagues that are struggling, that now is not forever. But I can't take that fact on board for myself. Why are we so rubbish at taking our own advice I wonder ???.

When the dark black fog of depression  descends , then my most logical thinking goes out of the window. The now and the not yet, the then and the therefore all mingle into one complete mess....which results in me personally struggling to see any way forward. Even when I am reminded of all the good things around me ( my friends, family, work, church ), still I struggle to see past the darkness, it's just too all consuming. Many people ask people with depression to describe what it actually feels like. Well to me It's like someone comes up behind you and puts a black cloth over your head, or a scary emotion sucking dementor from Harry Potter comes swooping  into your life and just sucks out all the nice and all the good, and just leaves you feeling empty and cold.

At the moment though, the ' now is not forever ' is sticking in my mind a lot, and reminding me that I am in fact a living survivor. I have survived a depressive episodes before, and I am pretty certain that with the right help, and the right support, I will survive this depressive episode.

• I take comfort when I see stories of how others have survived, have overcome devastating adversities. ( and I cannot write that sentence without quoting from the amazing Manilow when he says ' I made it through the rain, and found myself respected, by the others who, got rained on too, and made it through )

• I watch the Paralympics  ( not at all because I find Jonny Peacock very attractive ), and just admire their sheer skill and abilities. I am just amazed and humbled when I see them achieve more than they have ever dreamed or imagined and they succeed making their disability into a living hope of achieving against all odds.

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• I've now probably rambled enough .... So I will close shortly, but before I do I love it when I read something and it just fits in with my own situation and thought pattern......

• Tibetan saying, “No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful the experience is, if we lose our hope, that’s our real disaster,” 

I can sometimes faintly hear a voice, and it gently says to me ...... Keep going, keep working through, and all will be well in the end. I promise.

I hope so ...... Soon.